


there's a stirring in this head of mine

by dragonscanbebeaten



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, First Kisses, Fluff, Self-Acceptance, This is a spur of the moment decision, Yaz is a bean that needs to be protected at all costs, and i apologise - Freeform, self realisation, the Doctor is also clueless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2019-08-19 06:26:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16529183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonscanbebeaten/pseuds/dragonscanbebeaten
Summary: Yasmin Khan has always loved hard, throwing every part of herself into everything even when it could ruin her. So the appearance of a mad-woman in a police box was the least of her worries when it pulled at memories long buried and hidden.or"The five times they didn't love her back, and the one time they did" trope cause i'm a hoe for gay shit (although technically it's bi shit but still)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired, stressed, and coping with fanfiction lets go

_ A year from now we'll all be gone _

_ All our friends will move away _

_ And they're going to better places _

_ But our friends will be gone away _

[\- "Rivers and Roads" The Head and the Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SpFB8fwqYw)

 

Yaz liked him from their very first meeting. Heck, from the very first time she saw him she knew he was special. To her at least. He had the cutest face she had ever seen and she wanted nothing more than for him to talk to her or ask her to play tag on the playground at school during snack. Or even just being next to him when the teacher changed the seating arrangements. Or having the same route home from school. She just thought he was nice, okay.

Tom Wallon, the ‘new kid’. He had transferred to Yaz’s school over the holidays and landed right into Yaz’s class all shy and quiet. The class was loud, and Ms Sinclair was always trying to sooth them enough to teach them something that they could use in the future. Yaz’s favourite class was english.

She guessed that Tom was just shy because he didn’t know anyone, so on his second day Yaz walked right up to him, all braids and toothy smiles and shiny eyes. He didn’t look up at her until she was right in front of him and introducing herself. When he looked up to reply that Yaz’s smile (placed on her small face out of kindness) became real enough that it  hurt. 

 

Yaz definitely didn’t mind that. 

 

And so she met up with him again at lunch. Gotta keep things consistent.

“Hi, Tom. Wanna play tag?” 

He had his hands in his pockets as he walked, his feet seeming to follow an invisible line around the yard, kicking a small stone in front of him. He gave a small shrug.

“Er, sure,” His voice was almost too quiet for Yaz to hear, but she knew his answer all the same.

“Great!” She beamed at him.

 

Her heart beat just that little bit faster. Purely adrenaline for the aforementioned game of tag. 

 

————

 

That was how it was for most of the year. Yaz wouldn’t admit it, but she was smitten with Tom. She never told anyone though. Crushes weren’t something she talked to anyone about. Not that she had any crushes _to_ talk about. Until now. 

She was at a friends birthday party. They had had an obscene amount of pizza and soft drink and were now sitting in a tight circle in Kaitlin’s room (the birthday girl)

They were playing truth or dare. The classic birthday party game, after ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ and the piñata. 

It was Kaitlin’s turn and as she perused the group of kids, smiling and eating too much candy, her eyes fell on Yaz.

“Yaz,” she said, “truth or dare?” 

Yaz looked up for a second before replying, “Mmm…truth!”

 

Silence.

 

“Who do you like?” The group tittered and smiled.

For a second, Yaz was perplexed.

“I like a lot of people. I like all of _you._ You’re my friends,” Yaz responded with a very straight face. The kind of straight face that little kids use when they want to be absolutely truthful.

Kaitlin laughed, covering her mouth to stifle her giggles.

“No, who do you _like like_?”

Oh.

 

_Oh._

 

Yaz contemplated not answering, but then, that was technically cheating. After all, she did choose truth. She couldn’t choose to not answer if she didn’t like the question. Could she? And really, what was the harm in telling them? It wasn’t like it was some sort of amazingly bad answer. And it wasn’t like her fancying anyone was that big of a deal. Was it?

She took a deep breath as she smiled shyly.

“Tom?” The word ended on an upwards lilt, the not-really-a-question leaving her mouth before Yaz could decide to keep it locked away.

Parvati looked at Yaz quizzically from across from her. 

“Tom Wallon?” 

“Yeah, he’s nice.” Yaz felt a little embarrassed. She wasn’t sure if this was a good response or not. What if they hated Tom? But a second later the other girls in the circle responded.

They all agreed that Tom was nice, not like the other boys, and that Yaz should _totally_ tell him. Yaz wasn’t so sure about that. She knew that Tom liked her as a friend, but whether he would agree to her saying she fancied him was a whole different story.

But her friends would not take no for an answer. 

 

————

  

But Yaz just couldn’t gather the courage to tell him.

 

Every time she thought about it, she felt like she was floating. Her head was filled with clouds and cotton candy and thoughts of the way that Tom smiled and how he was so cool. Hands sweating, she would sit in class and stare at the back of his head until Ms Sinclair called upon her to answer a question that Yaz had totally been paying attention to (whoops).

She blinked twice, staring blankly at Ms Sinclair.

“Um, what was the question?”

It was that classic silence followed by the quiet giggles of her classmates that made her blush in embarrassment.

“I asked if you were paying any attention, Yaz. But I guess your response tells me plenty.” 

Yaz ducked her head and wrung her hands but Ms Sinclair continued.

“I know that I might be a bit boring at times.” More snickers. “But I’m just trying to teach you, as it’s my job.”

She smiled softly at Yaz and continued teaching.

 

————

 

Summer came around very quickly, the end of the year even quicker. The air was clear, the clouds quickly scudding across the canvas in the sky. It was one of those summers that would be remembered in a hazy vision, filled with heat and days spent running through the sprinklers. This was heaven to Yaz. Youth filled and ready for anything.

She visited family, her grandparents up North and her cousins down South. The holidays were spent more or less catching up with those relatives that you see once a year. So much food, and so many nights falling into bed out of exhaustion. 

But as time does, it slowly passed, bringing the next school year with it. Yaz didn’t tell her parents or her sister, Sonya, but she was positively bursting with excitement. Partly for the new year, partly to see her friends, and partly to see a certain someone again. Not that she would admit it.

The first day of school rolled around before you could blink. A rainy day with dark clouds and the threat of thunder and lighting. The air smelled of damp soil and the atmosphere was charged with energy of the coming storm, all anticipation and nervousness.

Waking in the early hours of the morning, too early for her parents to be up yet, Yaz dressed herself in her school clothes, packed her bag and played with her toys until it was time to leave. She practically dragged her mother and Sonya out the door, waving goodbye to her dad as he sat eating breakfast. He smiled around his toast, waving back. 

“Slow down, Yaz! Why the rush? It’s not like the school won’t be there if we’re not super early,” Her mother said as she was pulled down the street.

“I’m just excited to see my friends,” Yaz definitely didn’t want to rush for any other reason. 

 

Nope.

 

None at all. 

 

————

 

Yaz ran through the front gates, waiting for Tom to arrive. Her mum said goodbye, taking Sonya to her first class as it was her first day at school.

Yaz waited right until the bell rang and she had to go to class with her new teacher, Mr Dellet. But she hadn’t seen Tom in all that time. 

Maybe he’d moved schools. Maybe he was just sick. Maybe he was actually a secret spy and he was called in for an extremely important, life saving mission and would be back soon once he saved the world like that James Bond that her parents talked about sometimes. 

But when the next day arrived, he still didn’t come. Yaz waited until the end of the day before she walked up to Mr Dellet.

“Sir, do you know what happened to Tom Wallon? He wasn’t in school today and I didn’t see him yesterday either,” Yaz felt very small standing in front of the desk where Mr Dellet sat. Even though he was sitting, he was still taller than her. 

“Tom Wallon? I’m pretty sure he transferred schools.” Mr Dellet peered down at her.

 

Oh.

 

“His parent’s didn’t think this school was good for him.” He leaned back in his chair and placed the pen he was holding down. “Why the curiosity?”

“Oh, uh, I was friends with him,” 

Mr Dellet smiled, his eyes crinkling slightly in the corners, “Well, I’m sorry to say that he’s not going to come back anytime soon.”

So that was that. Tom Wallon would never come back to her school again. He never even mentioned his parent’s wanting to move. Not that he talked about his parents that much anyway. 

She left school that day feeling worse than she had ever felt before.

One thought kept whizzing around her mind. 

 

_She should have told him._

 

Maybe he would have even said he liked her back. 

But she would never know, because she never even tried. After all that time debating with herself whether she should or not, the choice was no longer a choice, but a solitary path which she had to take. She didn’t like the look of this road. It was too cold and unfamiliar. She’d never felt like _this_ before. Like there wasn’t anything waiting for her at the end, only a straight drop off the end of the Earth.

 

But Yaz swallowed it down. 

 

She soon forgot about Tom Wallon, the first boy she ever liked. Pretty soon, he was a distant memory, covered in a warm haze and a blurry smile in the rare times that she thought of the shy boy that fallen into her life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a gentle soul, offering this to the fanfiction gods


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's me again, I apologise.

_ Hey baby won't you look my way _

_ I can be your new addiction _

_ Hey baby what you gotta say? _

_ All you're giving me is fiction _

[\- "Everybody talks" Neon Trees](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5G9tIe84lE)

 

 

You’d think by the time that she was ten, Yaz had finally gathered at least _some_ semblance of courage regarding crushes and all that mushy stuff in general. You’d think so. But yet, another boy, another round of hopeless pining that lasted all year. Spoilers?

This time, he introduced himself; Darcy Pestana. And this time, it was Darcy who was all toothy smiles. Not quite braided hair, but certainly close. He had a mop of black curls covering his forehead and sometimes falling into his eyes.

Yaz loved his hair. But nothing else.

 

No way.

 

“Pst- Yaz.” 

Yaz jerked out of her daydream, looking at Darcy from across from her. He smiled, holding out the pencil that he had borrowed.

“Thanks,” Darcy whispered to her.

“Anytime,” Yaz smiled back. _Anytime? Anytime!? What kind of response was that?_

She really needed to figure out why she was speechless around Darcy. It was becoming a problem.

A really big problem.

 

————

 

Walking home from school, Yaz held her Mum’s hand, trying not to step on any of the cracks on the pavement.

“Mum?” Yaz stared down at her shoes, their frayed ends slowly becoming a hole.

“Mmm?” 

“I have a question.” She waited for her mum to nod and continued. “There’s this boy at school-“

“Oh? A boy?” Yaz wasn’t looking, but she was certain that her mum was smiling in that smug, _I know what that means_ sort of way.

“Stoooop,” the word dragged out, “I haven’t even told you the whole thing.”

Najia laughed softly, “I’m sorry. Continue.”

“Well, there’s this _boy_ at _school_ ,” Yaz waited for her mum. When she didn’t anything Yaz continued, still carefully eyeing her.

“I don’t know what it is, but I think I’m allergic to him.” Najia didn’t respond for a bit, but she began to laugh slightly; finally she managed to speak.

“Allergic? What makes you say that, darling?”

Yaz didn’t know why this was so funny, she could be dying for all her mum knew. What if Darcy had a disease that he had passed on to Yaz?

“I just feel different around him, my stomach goes all weird.” _Like it’s trying to climb my throat or it’s just got off of a long boat ride and now it has jelly legs._

“I see. Well, do you like Darcy?” Yaz felt a weird sense of deja vu, the smell of candy and popcorn and the feeling of a girl’s bedroom flooded her memory. It was almost tangible that she could have sworn that someone had just put up a popcorn stand and complete with fairy floss and everything.

“I guess, he’s nice.” _wait a minute._ “Hold on, do you mean _like like_?”

Her mum looked down at her, squeezing her hand softly. 

“Well, _do_ you _like like_ him?”

Hmm. 

 

Oh.

 

“Oh no. I think I like him.” Yaz said it in such a way that Najia struggled to hold back a laugh. Her daughter made it seem as if a simple crush was the end of the world. And let me tell you, that’s what it felt like to Yaz. She just wanted to be able to talk to Darcy without getting all muddled up with her words and tripping over nothing but her own shadow.

But no.

Of course she just had to go and get a crush on him.

Cause that’s the universe’s way of paying her back for not saving that snail that _one time_.

It was _one time._ Yaz silently promised to always save every snail she came across from then on.

“It’s not a bad thing to like someone, Yaz. You don’t have to do anything about it. No one is forcing you to act on it.”

_Easy for you to say_. It didn’t seem like Yaz could just let it be and forget about it. And now that she thought about it, she didn’t really _want_ to forget about it. Darcy was nice, he was always kind to Yaz and he always included her. Maybe she _wanted_ him to know that she liked him. Maybe he even liked her back. 

But yet, there was that nagging voice in the back of her head; a voice of caution warning her to not rush in and just blurt it out. 

Yet, the last time that Yaz had liked someone and not told them, she had lost the chance to do it forever. Not this time.

 

Well, _maybe_ not this time. 

 

It felt like her head was tied to a balloon, being lifted into the clouds and carried through the atmosphere. Her stomach was near boiling point, the waves rolling in and turning it inside out. 

Why was liking someone so hard? Why couldn’t people just get given notes saying if someone liked after you realised that you liked them? That way there would be no reason to worry, because you would either get a note or not and then you could ask them to hold hands. Or do whatever else you do when you both like each other. Yaz wasn’t so sure what happened after you told someone you liked them. Cross that bridge, right?

 

————

 

The next few months passed seemingly without incident. It was mostly smooth sailing with the occasional embarrassing accident involving Darcy and Yaz’s inability to coordinate _anything_ around him.

One weekend, Yaz and Najia baked chocolate chip cookies, singing along to the radio in the kitchen. Najia had given Yaz some to take to school the next day and give to her friends.

They were all very excited and thought that Najia was the _best ever_ for letting Yaz take some to give to them.

After seeing Darcy waiting for the bell to ring, Yaz walked up to him and held out a cookie.

“My mum and I baked yesterday. D’you want one?” She smiled, waiting for him to take it, bite into it and subsequently thank Yaz for making this absolutely delicious cookie.

But instead, Darcy eyed it nervously. He looked at Yaz.

“If there’s milk in it, I can’t have it. I’m lactose intolerant,” He said apologetically.

“What’s that?” Yaz asked before she could stop herself. What if it was a very rare disease and it was rude to ask?

“It just means that I don’t feel that good after I have anything that has dairy in it.”

 

Oh.

 

So it wasn’t because her cookies sucked. Well, maybe he was lying and it _was_ because they sucked. But he wouldn’t lie. That was something Yaz was about ninety-six percent sure of.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Yaz didn’t really know what to reply with.

“Don’t be, it’s not that bad, sometimes I still have dairy even though it kinda hurts afterwards,”

Yaz didn’t know whether to laugh or not. She was feeling mostly embarrassed that she hadn’t known about Darcy being lactose intolerant. She had just thrust the cookie towards him without thinking. But she hadn’t known, so why was she feeling so weird? 

Ugh.

Why was she so _awkward?_

It was like her brain was simultaneously picking the wrong conversation choices and then yelling at her for actually following what it said. As if it wasn’t the one that had made her do it in the first place. 

She just wished she had the courage to tell Darcy.

 

————

 

She woke up on the last day of term with an almost inhumane level of confidence. It was pouring from every part of her. Today was the day. Maybe.

Getting up early, she dressed and made her lunch, putting her favourite foods in. She even put a juice box in to make it all the more awesome.

Najia knew something was different but she didn’t push it that much. Sonya, however, wanted to know why Yaz seemed to be bursting with energy.

“Why are you so excited? It’s not like school is going to end forever.”

 

She _wished._

 

“I dunno. It’s the last day! Who isn’t excited for holidays?”

Sonya still eyed Yaz curiously.

 

————

 

The sky was clear, heading into summer for the holidays. The air was buzzing with warmth, like an invisible hug enveloping Yaz in comforting heaviness. School was out.

She walked into the yard and headed straight to Darcy. Before she could lose her voice she launched right into it. Not that she prepared or anything.

“Hi Darcy, excited for the holidays?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to just play all day!” He smiled brightly at Yaz and her heart swelled. Now or never.

“Hey Darcy, can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

 

Deep breath, _here we go_.

 

“Well. I…I like you. _Like like_ you. And I just wanted to know if you liked me too?” Yaz was clutching her fingers so hard that she thought they would break. Her nails were digging into her palms and she could feel her face heating up.

Her heart was on a treadmill set at high speed with no end to the sprint in sight. 

Darcy looked shocked, his eyes went wide and his mouth made that little ‘o’ shape of surprise.

“Oh, well… I didn’t know that you liked me,” He was speaking sort of slowly, as if he couldn’t really figure out if this was a joke or not.

It most definitely was not. 

Darcy went to speak again and by this point Yaz was sure she was going to faint from how long she had been holding her breath for.

“I don’t know what to say really. I guess, I don’t think that I like you like that. You’re a really good friend, and great at tag. But I just… don’t think of you like _that…_ ” he trailed off, looking quite out of place.

Yaz couldn’t really hear anything except for the ringing in her ears. She had been plunged underwater, into the very depths of the ocean. Her head rocked and her stomach plunged downwards, weighed down by the anchor of her heart. 

“Oh,” her voice didn’t feel like her own, “That’s okay, have a great holiday.” It was somewhere far underwater. It was filling her ears with a gushing noise, overwhelming her brain.

Before Darcy could say anything else, she turned around and almost ran to her mum, struggling to compose herself before she arrived. 

When she got home, she went straight to her toys, trying to stave off the oncoming storm. Like a tidal wave was approaching her, but she refused to let it break. Not until she had gotten to safety.

It was only later that night that she allowed a few tears to leak from her eyes, falling silently onto her pillow, her sobs quiet and muffled by her hands. After the last tear fell, a sort of emptiness fell upon Yaz. It was small and for the briefest eternity, it was like time had stopped, rewritten itself and then pulled Yaz up from where she had fallen, brushed off the dust on her shoulders and put her back on her path.

 

But the memories would never be washed clean of her tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I was sorry, but have these hearts as well <3 <3 <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta love that lack of motivation and writer's block :''')

_ I know you've been waiting round _

_ Speaking high but looking down _

_ You don't have to be alone _

_ You're not alone _

[\- “Grit Your Teeth” Martin Luke Brown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emkLsY0EEz4)

 

 

Year 9 rolled around, all bruised knees and sweaty palms from the recent heatwaves as school started. Yaz was in a class with quite a few people that she had never really been all that close with. That part didn’t faze her.

The thing that made her unsettled in a way that she hadn’t felt before was who she was sitting next to.

The first day back, Miss Pawlson drew their names from a hat and organised their seats. Yaz was one of the first names pulled, the first on the second table in the room.

Miss Pawlson reached into the bag. “And next to you, Yasmin, is Ellie,” she smiled as she read out the name, grateful that the new kid had not been picked last. 

 

Yeah, I know. _Another_ new kid. What’s new?

 

As they sat down, Miss Pawlson gave them 5 minutes to get to know each other. Yaz turned to Ellie, opening her mouth to speak but Ellie beat her to it.

“I’m Ellie, but I guess you…already knew that,” She looked down, smiling slightly as she exhaled out of her nose in the ghost of a chuckle.

“Um, I like animals? The really furry ones- oh and I _love_ rice pudding.” She stopped for a second before realising that Yaz hadn’t said anything yet. “That was a weird thing to say, wasn’t it? I ramble a lot, sorry.”

“That’s okay, I don’t mind. I’m Yasmin, but everyone just calls me Yaz. I guess I like rice pudding… too?” 

Her eyes were a very bright brown, like pots of honey with the sun shining through them.

There was a very weird thing happening to Yaz. It felt like everything was happening from the other side of a pane of glass. Like it wasn’t her controlling her actions. Her body was just going through the niceties of introduction but she wasn’t the one deciding what to do. 

Maybe it was just the toast she had eaten that morning. Her mum had warned her to check for mould. Oh no, what if she’d eaten mouldy bread? What if the bacteria were growing in her stomach right that second?

Yaz shook herself from her daydream, vaguely aware that Ellie was talking, but not hearing it until she looked at Yaz expectantly.

 

Whoops.

 

“Sorry?” Yaz tried to put her best apologetic face on, hoping she hadn’t just offended Ellie.

“What’s it like here?”

“Oh, uh…It’s alright, I suppose. The teachers are pretty nice… for teachers.” That made Ellie laugh a little. Yaz liked it when she laughed. 

“That’s a relief. My last school was so scary. They’d get you for wearing the wrong socks with your uniform.”

Yaz’s face twisted in shock.

“For not wearing your socks right? That’s mental!”

Ellie was nodding emphatically; she had just opened her mouth to say something else when Miss Pawlson called everyone to attention.

“I hope you all are going to be good friends with your seat mates, I would except nothing else from such bright, kind students.”

Ellie smiled at Yaz.

 

Yeah, Yaz definitely liked it when she smiled.

 

————

 

Ellie did not hang out with Yaz that recess, or lunch. She was near Yaz, but she didn’t talk to her or join in. She just sat down with some people that Yaz knew but didn’t really know and talked with them the whole time. 

It seemed that the only time Yaz existed was during class, when Ellie was forced to sit next to her. It might seem that ‘forced’ is being used lightly here, but it really isn’t. To Yaz, it truly felt that Ellie didn’t really want to be friends with her.

Don’t think that she was rude or anything though, definitely not. She just never went past the casual conversations that they had in class. She never followed them up and she never asked Yaz to sit with her group or to hang out after school. 

Not that Yaz minded; Ellie wasn’t the only person that she knew, and certainly not her only friend. 

She did not mind.

 

————

 

But that didn’t mean that she was any less shocked when Ellie passed her a card in secrecy during class one day. She leant in close to Yaz, her breath inches away from Yaz’s cheek, and whispered to open it in private. Yaz’s face burned white hot, her breath stopping during their quick exchange. But her brain soon restarted from whatever burn out it had experienced and she left class afterwards to open the letter.

It was an invitation to Ellie’s thirteenth birthday party the following Friday. 

It didn’t seem that many people were invited from the private way that the invitations were being handed out. So, why was Yaz invited? She hadn’t thought that Ellie was that close to her. Not that she was blaming Ellie for anything. 

Not that she was complaining.

 

No way.

 

————

 

The day of the party came around and to be perfectly honest, Yaz had become increasingly nervous as the day neared. It was supposed to be a fun movie night with Ellie and some other girls, laughing until late into the night. There was even a sleepover. 

That was the part that Yaz was nervous for.

Yaz didn’t really like to say this, but she had never had a sleepover. Well, she had been invited, but her parents had always been loath to let her go. But now that she was in year 9 she guessed they were giving her a little more trust. 

 

That felt nice.

 

Her dad parked the car, leading her to the door of Ellie’s house. It was pretty. White walls with a red roof and a brick fence. The door opened and Ellie pulled Yaz in, her hand on her upper arm. Yaz barely had time to say goodbye to her dad before she was ushered into the living room where everyone had set up their sleeping bags and pillows in a big pile. Ellie still had Yaz’s arm in her grip.

Yaz smiled nervously, telling herself that she would be fine.

Yeah. Everything would be fine.

 

————

 

The movie had been a classic Disney one. Lion King.

Yaz still got chills during _that scene_.

Why did he have to die? I mean really, it was just so cruel.

Everyone was asleep. It was past midnight; long after the lights had gone out. Yaz could hear everyone’s deep, even breathing as well as the occasional cough and the shifting of blankets.

She was right next to Ellie, approximately 30cm away. And sure, that’s a whole ruler, but a ruler is quiet small when you get right down to it. 

 

Really, _really_ , small.

 

Suddenly, Ellie shifted, opening her eyes to see Yaz wide awake. Too late to fake a deep slumber. Should have taken Snow White’s advice and bitten the apple sooner. 

Ellie’s voice was quiet and soft when she spoke. “Are you okay?”

Yaz was currently Not Okay™. When Ellie had turned to face Yaz, she had inadvertently moved closer. Yaz’s heart was jumping rope with no end in site.

“Yeah, I just woke up from a dream. All good.”

“Was it a good dream?” 

Yaz looked at Ellie’s face. It was illuminated ever so slightly by the light coming in from the curtains outside. 

“A really good one.” She smiled at Ellie and her friend smiled back.

Everything was so warm and nice, like a really hot bath. Yaz’s whole being was just enveloped with this sweet feeling. Kind of like falling, but knowing that there would definitely be someone to catch you at the end of the drop.

Ellie propped herself up on her elbow, leaning forward until her mouth was next to Yaz’s ear. 

No more warm feeling, more like icy cold; forgetting to notify the catcher that you had begun your descent. Free falling without a parachute. Yaz stopped breathing for fear that she would miss what was happening. Or that she would move and ruin everything.

“Close your eyes.” 

Yaz couldn’t really say anything to that but do as Ellie had asked, closing her eyes and greeting the darkness that immediately overtook her vision.

Everything was quiet, like time itself had frozen.

 

But then Yaz exploded. 

 

One second, there was nothing. The next, Yaz felt a pair of lips connect with hers. It was for the briefest second but it was there nonetheless. 

Screw falling. 

Yaz was flying.

She could feel Ellie’s breath on her face and she dared to be brave, opening her eyes.

Ellie was smiling. She was still propped on her elbows and so was looking down at Yaz and to be honest, Yaz thought she looked like she belonged in heaven.

She smiled back just as Ellie leant in for another kiss and everything went fuzzy. She couldn’t believe what was happening. Yaz hoped this was real and that she could stay here in this moment for all of eternity. 

 

————

 

But the party ended, as most things do, and Yaz lay there the next night alone in her bed. 

What the heck had happened?

Why had she liked it so much when Ellie kissed her? She wasn’t-

No, surely not. She had had crushes on boys so how could she be… _gay_?

She could barely say the word in her head let alone out loud.

But there was that nagging voice in the back of her head. The one that waved all of her insecurities in her face. It was yelling at her, demanding attention.

 

_Gee, I wonder how your parents would feel. Poor Yaz, all alone with no one to talk to. What a predicament you have gotten yourself into._

 

She tried to stop it, tried to block out the doubt and the worry but it just washed over her in waves.

And she was too weak to weather the storm.

Throwing her covers back, she stood and walked to the bathroom, tiptoeing across the floor and hardly daring to breathe.

She stared at herself hard in the mirror, trying to tell herself that nothing was wrong. But it didn’t work. She knew that something was happening, but she couldn’t tell anyone even if she tried. There were no words to describe it. And she was _not_ talking to her family about it. What if they laughed? What if they were angry?

 

Yeah, no way.

 

————

 

That Monday was the scariest Monday that Yaz had ever faced. She had never kissed anyone before, she didn’t know the protocol. Did she talk to Ellie about it? Or did she ignore it and wait for Ellie to bring it up?

No, too many times Yaz had let opportunities die because of her inactions. Not this time. 

She pulled Ellie aside at lunch and made sure that they were alone before addressing the issue. The elephant in the room, if you will. 

Ellie was looking at her expectantly.

“Um, about the other night-“ Ellie interrupted, smiling reassuringly. 

“Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about it. I’m not… _gay_ or anything. It was just fun and games is all. You don’t have to be worried.”

Ellie’s heart didn’t feel like it usually did when Ellie smiled at her. It had sort of… gone sour. Her stomach had sunk at the inflection that Ellie had used for ‘gay’. Like it was a really bad thing to be.

“Yeah, that’s what I was going to say as well. Doesn’t mean anything, right?”

Ellie almost looked relieved.

“Yeah. See you later, Yaz.”

As she walked away, Yaz all but fell into the bench next to the wall where they had stood seconds ago.

 

She was definitely _not gay_.

 

But she was also definitely _not straight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it gay enough yet?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out I'm not actually dead. Just filled with writer's block. But I wrote this before I could lose the inspiration.

_ No one can make you change who you are _

_ No one can take one beat from your heart _

_ When you're standing tall _

_ You're unbreakable _

[\- “Unbreakable” Birds of Tokyo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7gLPzPFMv4)

 

 

Yaz had told Ryan about that one time that she had snuck into Danny Biswas’ house. She had said it was the last time that she had snuck in through a window. 

Maybe he wouldn’t have taken it as lightly as he did if he had known everything that happened around the window incident

 

————

 

If you were to take a good, hard look at the societal standings of high-school, Danny Biswas was right smack bang in the middle. Not too popular, but also not unknown. He was this happy medium that everyone else was compared to.

 

Kind of like the carbon of the human world. 

 

A typical teenage boy, he didn’t stand out too much. Yaz liked that. 

It meant that he didn’t attract drama like some others. Especially the very ends of the high school standings. The lowest of the lows may have been unpopular, but gossip surrounded them like flies to dog shit. And no one would deny the entertainment that is the aristocrats the teenage empire. 

Every weekend was another party, another scandal. Yaz could practically guess who would be in trouble at this point. It was always the same rich kids. Spoiled brats.

That’s why Yaz liked Danny so much, he was the Switzerland of high school. His friends were as well, which is why Yaz found herself trying so hard to become one. She had had enough drama to last her the rest of her education, and then some.

 

But you can’t stop a rampaging snowball rolling down a hill at top speed now, can you?

 

————

 

It was happening.

I repeat.

It. Was. Happening.

 

Yaz was finally being invited to a party. 

 

Okay, the party part wasn’t that interesting. What _was_ interesting was the fact that _Danny. Freaking. Biswas_ was going to be there.

Anyone in their right minds would be a little concerned that Yaz was having a mini freakout session in her room at this news. She was barely containing her excitement that she might actually be able to talk to Danny.

It’s not like she hasn’t had the biggest crush on him since laying eyes on him. 

 

I may have forgotten to mention that part.

At the current moment of 10pm on a Wednesday night, Yaz was planning her approach for the next day. She had to get her parent’s permission to go to the party. She couldn’t ask them now, they were too tired; and she definitely could not ask them when they were in anything but the best mood. 

How would she phrase it?

“Hey Mum, one of my friends invited me to their birthday party this Saturday at which there will be _no_ alcohol or drugs of _any_ kind.”

That sounded about right. 

 

————

 

It must have been the day that God was looking out for Yaz. Somehow, she doesn’t really know how, her parents said yes to her going to the party. Of course, there were some restrictions. She wasn’t allowed to stay the night and she had to be back by 11pm. That wasn’t so bad considering she even was allowed to go in the first place. 

All week, it was in the back of her mind. Not distracting her too much from school, but just enough to constantly appear when she wasn’t thinking about anything important. It was like a mental pop up alert that was set for every few hours. 

Too soon Saturday rolled around and Yaz was sat in front of her cupboard, trying to decide what to wear. She had all the time in the world yet she still felt pressed for time. 

She finally decided on a simple t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. Nothing too fancy, she definitely did not want to be over dressed. That was another thing that would attract the funny stares and whispers; looking out of place.

 

————

 

It was like walking through a dream, one that Yaz had always wanted to have but was too scared to even hope that it would happen. 

The party was already roaring when Yaz arrived seven on the dot. There were people laughing in the living room, trailing through to the kitchen and many more outside in the back yard goofing around and just living.

Yaz couldn’t find Danny from her quick look around, so she decided to do a quick tour. Nothing too fancy, just enough to act like she was wandering without appearing to be searching for someone.

Exploring the house, Yaz was amazed at the decor. Sure, she knew that these were well off families, but it still came as a shock seeing the beautiful house in real life. There were paintings everywhere, statues and those fancy centrepieces that were filled with fruit that somehow never aged.

Yaz found her way to the back yard, where there was a game of beer pong in the corner, with people lounging around, dancing and chatting happily.

She found him.

 

Danny Biswas.

 

He looked amazing. His hair was styled perfectly, his shirt matched his eyes and he was currently smiling his frustratingly cute smile that always tore through Yaz’s stomach.

Before she knew it, Yaz’s feet were taking her to foreign lands, intent on her talking to Danny. 

 

She just prayed that she wouldn’t stuff it up.

  

————

 

Danny was brilliant. He was funny, smart, charming. Basically everything that Yaz wanted. And he was cute; that was definitely a bonus.

For most of the night, Yaz had just sat near Danny, listening to everyone’s conversations. She didn’t want to draw too much attention to herself but she felt like they were acquiescing to her presence. 

They were talking about their teachers in the year level when Yaz found Danny turning towards her. Her palms were clammy.

“Who’s your favourite Yaz?”

Favourite teacher. Easy question. Except she was blanking. Of all the times to blank, it was with one of the easiest questions in the world. Way to go, brain. She opened her mouth, hoping that whatever came out was intelligible. 

“None of them are really all that good,”

The group smiled, some nodding their heads. Danny chuckled lightly.

“Truer words were never spoken, though I do quite like Mr Fitz. He lets us go early,”

The others chimed in now as well, leaving Yaz to stew in her infatuation. He chuckled. He. Actually. Chuckled. 

Yaz made him chuckle. She made him chuckle. He chuckled because of Yaz.

She felt sort of light headed, like this was all just a dream. 

 

God, she was so dramatic.

  

————

 

Her parents were about to pick her up. They had texted that they were about 5 minutes away and so Yaz was making her way through the house to the front door. She had left the group a while after they had spoke and had milled around the food bowls for the past half hour. 

Just as she was about to exit the house, she heard Danny talking with a few other boys in the room next to the exit. She stopped, wondering if she should say goodbye when he made eye contact with her. 

He walked towards her and pulled her aside. All the while it was like there were sirens going on inside her head. Good ones, that were yelling “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD”, you know?

“Hey, Yaz. If you can get away tonight, meet me at my house at one,” He smiled.

She nodded, turning around and leaving. Holy shit. 

  

————

 

Yaz had laid awake in her bed, wondering if she should go to Danny’s house. It was only down the street, less than a minute away, yet it seemed like she was disappear into the night should she leave.

Nevertheless, she was now outside her own house at quarter to one in the morning. The cool air kissed her cheeks as she walked down her street.

Her heart was hammering inside her ribs, playing the drums. She couldn’t believe that she was actually doing this. 

Earlier, she had placed some towels under blankets, bending them to make it seem like she was curled up under her blankets. She had opened her window, sliding out onto the roof before dropping down into the dirt beside her house. The drop wasn’t anything big and she had managed it just fine.

Now she was outside Danny’s house, waiting for something to happen.

She saw a light flick on, near the door. Then a figure slip out. It was Danny.

Her breath was floating in the air, coming in short, quick bursts.    
He reached her, but his face was not the kind face that she had seen at the party. It was worried now, the space between his eyebrows creased and his mouth turned down in a frown.

He pulled her down behind his hedge and whispered quickly.

“My parents can’t see you,”

Yaz frowned.

“I know that, but why do you look so scared?”

Danny looked down at his feet.   
  
“It’s just…They don’t really… _like_ people like you,”

Yaz’s heart sank. It fell so quickly that it might as well have been at the deepest trench in the ocean.

 

_People like her._

 

She struggled to stop her lip from trembling.

“And, what about you?”  
  
Danny looked almost hurt for a second that she thought he hated her for that.

“No! I mean… It’s not like you’re the one going around being a terrorist an’ all. That’s the others,”

As much as Yaz wanted to say that this comforted her, it really didn’t. She suddenly felt so small, and unsafe, and unwanted.

Standing up slowly, she turned back down her street.

“I think I’m just gonna go home now, Danny,”

Danny grabbed her arm.

“Yaz, it’s not like that. I don’t think like they do. I know that you’re not one of them,”

She felt tears threatening to fall and quickly pulled her arm away from Danny.

“Goodnight, Danny,”

She walked quickly back to her house, crawled in through her window, and lay down in her bed.  


Her sobs were stifled into her pillow as she cried herself into a restless sleep that night. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. They were all stupid, and horrible, and she hoped that they would just leave her alone. Leave her family and people like her alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to reflect Yaz's childhood experiences in an honest way. If I wrote anything wrong or you think that I said something that isn't factually correct, please let me know and I'm happy to fix it.


End file.
